Chapter seven

Managing Expectations (“managing for change”)

            As in any relationship, a realistic set of expectations about just how magical this is going to be will be helpful. The newly-married couple who expects no marital discontent will be disillusioned quickly, and their ability to weather unrest will determine whether or not they will manage to stay together. When more people are added to the mix, the chemistry gets more complex. Consider as a general rule of thumb that on average, a person might face a major life crisis once every ten years or so (give or take.) When you cohabit with ten people, that means that, on average, you’ll be living with someone in crisis pretty much every year—and that’s a best-case scenario, when everyone takes polite turns having difficulties. In the six years of AND we have alternately weathered the death of parents, divorce, custody battle, unplanned career change, depression and anxiety. Of course, we’ve had a lot of major life upgrades to share and celebrate too—marriages, births, promotions, graduations, new understandings, joy and fun. But a calm and uneventful home life it is not. Combine that with the realities of ten roommates, and know that, when you ask for a cleaner kitchen or a tidy playroom, things will improve—for a month or so. If you expect these setbacks and ripples, you can be more prepared for responding pro-socially and productively, toward a solution or a better relationship, without blowing your top. This chapter discusses realistic assessment of the difficulty of living with a lot of people, and the power of expecting (and thus calmly preparing for) difficulty.